THE SECRET OF INTIMACY
My wife, Mary, is my partner in professional practice. Since the late 1970s, we have noticed that the couples we treat tend to fall into two broad categories. On the one hand are people who lament that the flame is gone from their relationship. They often seem demoralized and discouraged about the possibility of maintaining passion in marriage. On the other hand are the couples who give us hope for our own future and renew our faith and belief in the goodness of marriage. These are the couples who show mutual respect, love, and passion for each other. They describe their marriage as being their "saving grace" or their "constant island of refuge" in life. You can spot them in a minute: they laugh freely, compliment each other openly, and hold hands in our waiting room.
What makes the difference between these two types of marriages? Mary and I have asked ourselves this question for twelve years while observing thousands of marriages. The answer isn't what you would expect. The difference isn't based on educational level, socioeconomic status, size of family, or age. Young or old, rich or poor, childless or living with a house filled with toys and diapers—none of these factors determines whether the couple maintains intimacy as they progress in their marriage.
No, the difference is that successfully married couples know the secret of an intimate relationship. For a relationship to work, you need communication. But you need to balance problem-solving with fun and cherishing. Trust is essential, and it is created with fairness and commitment. By giving each other permission to be complete persons and by forgiving yourselves and each other for your imperfections, you can remain in love as you create a life together. Now, a few thoughts about each of these factors.
Healthy couples accept that relationships don't work unless we work on them. This basic belief is quite contrary to the myth of naturalism that underlies dysfunctional relationships, which goes something like this: "If we are married [or if we share an office, or if we are neighbors, or if we are in any sort of relationship], then we are supposed to get along naturally. If we don't get along naturally, then something is wrong with one of us, and it probably isn't me!"
The truth, of course, is that no relationship works out naturally. Few things in life are as complicated as an intimate relationship. As we grow and change, what we need and want from intimate others also changes. Maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship therefore involves constantly relating, as is implied by the term relationship. This means that any relationship involves a significant amount of effort. To negotiate the endless series of compromises, hurdles, and developmental passages that are encountered as we live together, couples must work on the relationship.
Healthy couples accept this need for work as a fact of being married. Unhealthy couples lament when they encounter some rocky stretch in their relationship, complaining and fearing that this need to work at getting along means their relationship is in trouble. Healthy couples respond to rocky times as proof that they are progressing down the path of growth as a couple, and they understand that this path always contains some stretches of rough going.
When faced with times of significant stress in your marriage, remember that neither of you planned for this to happen. Let yourselves join together and accept that such periods of struggle affect both of you and require you to do extra work as a couple. Getting through such periods is easier if you keep in mind that some degree of work is an inevitable part of any journey that is worth taking. Join in a team effort to overcome the hurdles that face you, and you will continue on the path of relationship growth.
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