THE SECRET OF INTIMACY: FUN
Intimate couples regularly have fun together. They laugh frequently. They are playful and sometimes silly in their private ways of relating to each other. They continue to make playing together a priority in their lives, even as additional important responsibilities get added to their "to do" lists.
Unhealthy couples stagnate from working all the time—at jobs, on their house, on their children, or even on their relationship. Speaking of this point, the father of a colleague of mine once remarked: "There is a danger in spending too much time examining a relationship; talking about it, checking it out, constantly processing its workings. It's sort of like taking care of a valued plant—not just by watering it, feeding it, and pruning it—but by constantly pulling it up to look at the roots to see if they are still okay."
Mary and I believe the single most frequent factor that separates intimate couples from stale ones is whether the partners have regular dates with each other. Alive couples regularly treat each other to interludes of fun and entertainment. They make plans in advance to fill such times with interesting activities or conversation. They save their energies and use their resources to participate in such times with enthusiasm and charm, just as they did when they first met and began dating. No wonder they stay in love! They use their "good stuff" to be pleasant and pleasing to each other.
No matter how complex life gets or how limited in extra time or money they are, these couples continue to make space in their lives for regularly experiencing special times. These special times might be as simple as a regular Tuesday night date, an occasional long weekday lunch, or, periodically, more elaborate affairs.
One passionate couple with whom I work swears that the secret to their twenty-eight-year-long positive connection has been their willingness to continue to intrigue and romance each other with creative surprises. For example, one of them will occasionally "kidnap" the other, driving to a nearby hotel for a twenty-four-hour escape from life instead of to the supposed destination of their regular evening out. Or one of them will mail the other a written invitation to "an evening of pleasure." The invitation specifies the date, the time, and the dress. All arrangements for the evening, including baby-sitting, are made by the gift giver.
The particulars of what you do on such occasions matter little to most couples. It can be a fancy affair or a simple date to drive around and spend time alone. What does matter is the process of caringly attending to each other.
As a bonus, in the process of orchestrating surprises for your spouse, you'll probably find yourself thinking of other ways to generate intimacy. For example, you'll start paying attention to what your partner says about what he or she is interested in these days, trying something out of the ordinary routine of your life just for the fun of it, and clearly going out of your way to create pleasurable experiences for your partner.
Putting this sort of energy into your marriage ensures that you will not become bored or boring as the years pass. Fun is the fuel of passion in a marriage. If passion is dwindling in your relationship, then it pays to assume that you have become slack in your efforts to create moments and hours of the sorts of experiences that led to your falling in love with each other in the first place. We remain romantically in love with those who romance us. You know what makes your partner smile; use that knowledge to keep the fires glowing in your marriage.
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