THE SECRET OF INTIMACY: COMMUNICATION
Much of the work in healthy marriages involves communicating. Intimacy can grow in a relationship only if both people are able to do a reasonable job of accurately identifying and clearly expressing inner thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants. Intimate partners relate to each other in certain ways that promote effective communication. There are no special tricks; good communicators are basically attentive and responsive listeners.
In dealing with each other, your communication will improve if you follow these guidelines:
Closely examine your impressions instead of trying to read minds. Do not assume that your impressions are valid. Get confirmation from the other person.
Avoid statements that blame or shame the other person, even if the statements are phrased in I language. Don't say things like, "I feel that you are the reason why our children never come to visit us."
Stick to the topic when attempting to resolve conflict. Don't scatter your focus, and don't bring up old battles as a way of trying to win a current one.
Create communicative environments as the first step in solving important problems. For example, schedule a time to talk in private, and eliminate distractions such as the television, other people in the room, and phone calls.
Develop communication-promoting rituals that are part of daily or weekly life. Specify these as times to touch base with each other. Such rituals might include sitting in the den for thirty minutes before dinner each day and talking, taking walks together, or going out to breakfast together on Saturday mornings.
Look at each other while talking.
Indicate concern for and understanding of each other during conversations by making reflective statements—statements that let the oilier person know you are hearing what he or she is saying.
Acknowledge your own difficulty in responding reasonably if attempts to resolve conflict are getting nowhere, and suggest a time out from further discussions until you can give a more reasonably; response.
Sandwich points of negative feedback between points of positive feedback.
Always apologize to each other following times of conflict. This is not the same as admitting fault; it simply involves saying to the person you love, "I'm sorry we argued. I don't like it when things are tense between us."
This list is, of course, incomplete. However, it provides a starting point for communication. Here are some additional aspects of communication to keep in mind:
Intimate partners communicate in ways that make interacting with each other feel safe and rewarding.
Being open with another person involves being vulnerable to that person. Remember this not only when you're communicating to someone but also when someone is communicating openly with you, and respond appropriately.
We continue being open about our inner feelings, thoughts, needs, and wants only with people who are gentle, caring, and affirming in response to our openness.
All partners make mistakes occasionally in responding to each other. Getting it right the first time around is not very important. Getting it straight after you've gotten it wrong is, however, of utmost importance. To do so, you must communicate effectively.
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