THE SECRET OF INTIMACY: CHERISHING
Through all their years together, intimate partners continue to pay each other the special compliments that are regularly paid during the courtship phase of a relationship: they laugh at each other's jokes; they say nice things to each other; each points out what the other does that is right and appreciated; they say nice things about each other to friends and relatives. In short, intimate partners promote positive self-esteem in each other. These people openly value and admire each other.
I often give my patients the following list of positive comments as a reminder to be actively nurturing in their interactions. Although this list looks like a parents' guideline for reacting to children, it is a very effective list to use with each other. Intimate partners seem to understand that our emotional selves operate in the simple ways of children. Consequently, we cannot help responding positively to comments such as these:
"I'm so proud of you!"
"I was bragging about you to someone today."
"It's amazing to me that you're so good at"
"You're a lot better at than I am. I admire you for that."
"You're one of my favorite people." "I love to snuggle with you." "I love you."
"You're amazing! They ought to write a story about you and publish it in the newspaper."
"I was thinking today about all the things that you mean to this family. I really do appreciate you."
"You're a real good (wife, husband, son, daughter, grandchild, grandparent)."
"I'm really proud and happy that you're mine."
"I'm proud to be your wife (husband)."
"You've made a positive difference in my life."
As corny as these phrases may appear on the written page, positive comments like these can be a glue that joins you and your partner emotionally. Such messages help each of you feel safe in remaining open and loving within the privacy of your marriage.
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