THE FAMILY SCRAMBLE: GETTING SICKER THAN THE PATIENT
Another pattern of family scramble that results when the "wrong" family member gets sick involves a spouse making a sacrifice to protect the patient's self-esteem. In this pattern, the spouse who is not the heart patient develops symptoms that allow the heart patient to maintain a sense of importance and power in the family despite the presence of the illness.
Research has suggested that more than 50 percent of family members of heart patients develop psychosomatic ailments' that require medical attention. Many of these ailments result from the sheer stress of coping with having a sick loved one. I believe the desire to protect each other is another factor that often underlies this reaction. Joseph and Toni were stuck in such a pattern.
Like many traditional couples, Joseph and Toni had organized their marriage and family around the understanding that Joseph was the head of the household. He was the strong leader in the family. He worked hard in his career, and he provided well for everyone. He was the voice of calm and guidance during times of family crisis and stress. He was the rock of stability upon which the family was built and functioned.
No one had planned on Joseph's developing severe hardening of the arteries and requiring quadruple bypass surgery at age fifty-five. Even less planned was this formerly strong man's subsequent loss of self-confidence and his development of paralyzing depression. He withdrew from friends and business associates, and he began doubting himself so severely that he began to have problems in his career. He even became unsure of his opinions in reacting to normal family decisions that fill day-to-day life.
Joseph's depression and coping paralysis began to improve however, when Toni began to develop symptoms of illness. She began experiencing anxiety attacks whenever she left the house. She also became obsessed with worry about her parents' failing health and was overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to help them.
As his wife's functioning deteriorated even further than his own, Joseph seemed to regain his sense of self as a strong and important person who was needed to protect and provide for his loved ones. His depression lifted, and his overall capacity for functioning in a healthy manner improved. After all, he had to help his poor, ailing wife.
These family patterns of denial and of one-downing the sick member demonstrate that symptoms in a family (such as denial of illness, or psychosomatic reactions) often serve as a solution to an underlying family problem. As painful as these symptoms may be, they may hurt less than the alternative: watching a loved one grope in pain.
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