ADULT CHILDREN OF HEART PATIENTS: MARITAL TENSIONS AND ADULT CHILDREN
Various family pitfalls in coping with illness were discussed. Examples were given of the unhealthy pattern of couples in conflict choosing to focus on illness as a means of avoiding their differences. By focusing on a shared problem, such as one partner's illness, a couple in marital trouble can temporarily avoid facing problems that are brewing in their relationship—problems that may frighten them more than the illness does.
Perhaps even more common in such situations is the family pattern of reducing the anxiety and tension that are mounting in a relationship by focusing on a third party.
Triangulation seems to be an inevitable characteristic of human relationships. As tension mounts between two people, they tend to draw a third party into their relationship mess. This process is seen in all relationships, not only in families coping with illness. For example, two coworkers get into conflict and each begins gossiping about the other to a third party. Unfortunately, when this process occurs in families the couple in conflict usually triangulates one of their children.
Child may begin to side with and soothe one parent and, in so doing, become distanced from the other parent. In families coping with heart illness, an adult child may support the heart patient parent who is complaining of being mistreated or misunderstood by the other parent. Or the adult child may side with the spouse of the heart patient, trying secretly to soothe that parent's anxieties and fears about the impact of the cardiac rehabilitation process on the marriage. In either case, the adult child develops closeness with one parent at the expense of closeness with the other parent—a situation that is guaranteed to distress any child.
Some children become counselors to both parents. Each parent turns to one or more of the grown offspring rather than to each other for soothing of the pains caused by the illness or by tensions that have developed in the marriage. Out of well-intentioned love and concern, the children offer their parents encouragement and "parental" advice on how to deal with the problems that are affecting the marriage.
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